Colored Differently

Colored Differently

"Mommy, I want to color!"

You heard me; you got me coloring books.
You got me crayons to color with.
You showed me how to color.

Fuck Me Like You Mean It

Content Labels: Sexual Content 

Fuck me like I'm your sweetheart -

...Tell me I'm pretty and you love me.

Fuck me like I'm your dirty little secret -

...Cover up the shame and guilt with whispers and hurry.

Someone to Tell Me No

I want someone to take care of me.

Not like, fix me dinner and take care of me,

But like, tell me 'no' take care of me.

Not because I'll ask a question or want something,

But because I'm doing a bad-for-me something.

I want to do the self-destructive behavior,

And I want someone to notice and care and stop me.

I want someone to take care of me.

Fantasy Attraction

I wish that I could find those attractive

who are attracted to me.

Because the ones I am attracted to

are not attracted to me,

and the ones who are attracted to me

are not those I find attractive.

I Want

Content Labels: Kink & BDSM, Explicit Sexual Content

I want to sass you, taunt you,

So you're motivated to win me over.

I want you to grab me by the throat

And tell me how to behave.

Beat Me to Know Me

Content Labels: Kink & BDSM

Beat me thoroughly
to exhaust my body.

Exhaust my body
to quiet my thoughts.

Quiet my thoughts
to free my mind.

Circling the Drain

Content Labels: Mental Illness

The body tells me that we are in pain;

the mind confirms that it feels the same.

Take it easy a while; don't do too much;

Seems like good advice to relax a bunch.

Heaven's Hands

The touch of his hands send fire

Through and through me,

And my body screams for the pain of pleasure

‘Till my heart stops, and I forget to breathe

Because of the currents shooting up

And down my body in waves of

Pain, pleasure, excitement, and ecstasy.

We'll Never Be (excerpt)

We’re just too different, you and I.

Or maybe we’re just too alike.

I love you with all my heart,

But the end is inevitably coming.

We will be friends, I think, I hope.

We get along so well together.

But can I bear not to

Hold your hand, kiss your lips, taste your sweet breath?

I love you, and you love me,

But you and I may never be

The kind of lovers in my dreams.

We’ll just be friends, it really seems.

(July 9, 1990)

Racing Colors

Colors racing through the sky at sunrise,

Chasing each other from horizon to horizon,

Racing to meet across the sky.

But before they can meet,

The sun comes up

Through the ocean, into the sky.

It halts the race of colors,

Banishing them away,

To come back tomorrow

Racing through the sky.

(written pre-1990)

Poem - Rubi

Sometimes I can feel Rubi trying to get out, get hurt. I’ll notice a twitch, a thump. My fingers can’t keep still. Thumping my fist on my thigh, beating in time to… what? Feels good, the pounding. Must keep her in, down, away. If she comes out, I’ll hurt her/she’ll hurt me/we. No sense of self-preservation. Fascination… shiny blade, sparkling fire, destruction. Hurt me, hurt them, what does it matter? Put down the lighter, Rubi. Finding holes burnt into clothes, ash from paper, soot on my fingers. Turn on the music; she likes to sing. Turn it up loud, loud as it’ll go. So loud the windows buzz. Sing along, yell to be heard. Rubi sings, I sing. Can’t hear myself singing, it’s just loud. Music has a beat, beat on my leg, beat my fingers on the steering column. The hurt feels good, pain travels up my arm and locks Rubi in, feeds her. She needs the pain, the music, the beat.

Poem - Impact

Content Labels: Kink & BDSM

Impact. The slap of leather on flesh, a grunt, quick indrawn breath.

Impact. Skin stings, flesh contracts, muscles pull.

Impact. Involuntary jerk, hands pulling, legs pushing.

Impact. Move away, can't get out of reach, no escape.

Impact. Sight blurs, sounds indistinct, only feeling.

Impact. Heat rises, conscious thought fades, body quivers.

Impact. Impact. Impact. Impact.