Someone to Tell Me No

I want someone to take care of me.

Not like, fix me dinner and take care of me,

But like, tell me 'no' take care of me.

Not because I'll ask a question or want something,

But because I'm doing a bad-for-me something.

I want to do the self-destructive behavior,

And I want someone to notice and care and stop me.

I want someone to take care of me.

My brain is spiraling suddenly tonight.

It was fine, and then it wasn't.

Then I wanted to do something bad for me,

So that someone would tell me 'no'.

I've learned to use words like 'anxiety' and 'depression' and 'manic',

When my brain gets to feeling like this.

But what it comes down to is that I want to act badly,

And I want someone to make me stop it.

But I don't have anyone to tell me 'no', so I can't expect it.

Would I even listen to 'no' anyway? Probably not.

I mean, not from most people, anyway.

So now I don't just want 'someone' to take care of me,

I want a particular kind of someone.

I want someone who would notice it needed said in the first place.

Someone I would trust, and allow them the authority over me to make it stick.

The right someone is a bigger issue than the 'no' that needs to be said in the first place.

So I don't have a someone, which means I can't do the bad,

Because if I act bad and no one tells me to stop,

Then I might just keep doing the bad thing,

And I have responsibilities, work tomorrow, life to manage.

So I have to tell myself 'no', and that's no fun.

And it's easier to say before I do the bad things than after,

And then there's no clean-up or fixing up to follow it.

So I just don't do the thing, because I already told me 'no.'

Instead I'm typing out my feelings, a mediocre substitute.

Something to focus my mind on doing instead of on what else I could do,

What I could do, but won't do,

Because I need someone to take care of me, and I don't have someone.

So my mind is racing, and my fingers are trying to keep up.

Because I want to be self-destructive, but instead I'll be constructive,

And I'll write something down instead of tearing something up.

And I don't feel better, but I'm starting to feel calmer.