How to Blow an Ice-Cream Cone

Because sometimes you need to practice. And sometimes it’s just fun to torture the guy watching you eat the ice-cream cone.

1. Get a soft-serve ice-cream cone. No hard ice cream, no chocolate covering, just plain ice-cream.
2. Make sure you’re sitting across from your intended victim… er, audience.
3. Grasp your cone firmly. Wrap your hand around the base of the cone, holding it tightly enough to ensure it doesn’t slip, but no so tightly that it cracks the cone. Be prepared to shift grips as needed.
4. With small, kittenish strokes, lick lightly all the way around the ice-cream. If you find any drips, be sure to erase them thoroughly,
5. Prevent future drips by wiping your tongue in broad, flat strokes all the way around the base of the ice-cream. After you get all the way around, continue licking on around the treat, moving a little upward with each stroke, until you’ve gone all the way to the tip.
6. Further shape the ice cream by going around it, licking straight up, with a wide stroke, pulling the ice cream toward the tip.
7. You should now have a thin delicate tip just beginning to curl over on itself. Lightly position your lips just over the tip and suck in until you capture it and draw it off. Swallow, then lick your lips in satisfaction.
8. At this point, you’ll want to check for drips again, swiping around the base of the ice cream just to be sure.
9. The ice cream may, by this point, be a bit lopsided or uneven. Fix this by carefully putting your mouth around the ice-cream and taking the whole thing into your mouth, up to the cone. Close your lips and pull the whole thing out, taking a little ice cream with you. Swallow that cream while considering the shape of the cone. Repeat as many times as necessary to achieve a pleasing shape.
10. Offer a taste of your ‘cream to your audience. By now, his mouth should be a bit dry, so it’s only good manners.
11. Repeat Step 9 if needed to achieve a nice smooth surface, then draw designs in the ice cream with the tip of your tongue. Doesn’t have to be fancy – just curves and arcs. Or make a face in the ice cream. Or circles, hearts, whatever makes you feel happy. Don’t forget to show off your artwork.
12. Lick away all evidence with strong business-like strokes of the tongue, moving ever upward to create a tip again. Suck the tip off like before. Continue in this manner until there’s little ice cream left above the top of the cone.
13. Now you can begin to dip into the ice cream left within the cone. Envision a cat drinking, and try for the same effect. Lots of small licks will clear away the ice cream near the rim, leaving a cold crater inside.
14. By digging in deeper, you can reach for the ice cream lodged further inside the cone. Don’t forget to lick all around the inside of the cone to get every last bit.
15. If you can manage to get a little ice cream on your lip, you can stop long enough to lick that off, maintaining eye contact with your audience.
16. When all the ice-cream is gone, you can toss the cone – or you can crumple it in your fist, to a chorus of groans and gasps from all the men who’ve been watching you perform.
17. Go home and reap the rewards.